Fatale Media Blog

G-spot expert Deborah Sundahl, a.k.a. Fanny Fatale, answers your questions about female ejaculation and the g-spot.

Hello, Deborah
I’ve purchased both your book and video in my desperate quest to join the female ejaculation phenomenon. Years ago, when I was younger, I ejaculated and like everyone for the first time, I had no idea what it was.  Fast forward 16 years later, now at 38, I’ve been trying for a few years–little squirts but a strong smell of urine, even after using the toilet.

After reading the book I continued to be confused and unsuccessful. After purchasing the video, last week, I did it–and it was a big gush. It was everything I’ve read–no smell, different taste and no trace of it once it dried. I was so proud.

I went back at it the next day–nothing! Now every day since then, still nothing. I’m getting the “pee” feelings, feeling orgasmic, relaxed and ready, so I push…little trickles that ultimately smell like urine.

Help!! What am I doing wrong?

Signed,

Looking for G-Spot Ecstasy

Dear Looking,
Thanks for writing to me. First off, congratulations! You ejaculated! Go out and celebrate the reclaiming of your womanhood at age 38, after stopping it all these years because you didn’t know what female ejaculation was! For that is what women do–we unconsciously just stop doing it, because it could be pee or worse. Who knows! We just don’t think about it. I am glad you are proud!

So, that being the case–years of controlling and holding back ejaculate–do you think it is just going to magically spout forth because now we want it to? No! Our bodies are not machines, and most certainly our G-spots are not. Rather, the G-spot is the gateway to higher love and intimacy.

The other problem is feeling “desperate “ Desperation causes pressure. In my book I write that pressure will make you not ejaculate. We don’t want desperate.

Time for a big, deep breath. Relax. Breathe. Treat your G-spot and vagina like tender gold, okay?  Sweet and soft, loving. Slow down. You would not believe how many women I have to advise to slow down!

I would say the urine you initially smelled was because you were perhaps pushing too hard? Without knowing the details, I would say that watching the video–which one was it? I’m assuming it was How to Female Ejaculate: The Workshop–unconsciously helped you to let go.

Letting go is of course the biggest obstacle for women in learning to ejaculate, especially because of the fear of urinating.

You also cannot expect to ejaculate the same “big” way the next day! Your body needs a rest, especially if you are just learning. As men know, if they masturbate too much, they will blow out their prostate glands (that “dull ache deep inside” that men can get is from too much ejaculation).

Therefore, yes, you were getting the pee feelings, and feeling orgasmic, of course, because you are arousing yourself, but then you can’t go any further. I’d say this is because of a combination of 1) it being too soon since you last ejaculated fully, 2) also you’re still new at it and 3) you’re probably trying again too hard and/or too soon to push.

You have to make sure that you take time to build up the arousal, and the best way to do that is to enjoy yourself without wanting to do it too fast. Relax! Take your time. Enjoy the process. Breathe deeply to work up such a big orgasm. This can be a months-long learning process.

In a way, what you described about the “little trickles” could be the perfect description of “clearing out the pipes”!

Big hug for your really great work so far! Next step: celebrate yourself. Second step: slow down, breathe and relax. Please keep in touch, and let me know how it is going.

Let It Flow,

Deborah

P.S. Do you have a question about female ejaculation and the G-spot. for “Ask Fanny,” a.k.a. Deborah Sundahl? Write to askfanny (at) fatalemedia.com. Your letter will be kept in strictest confidence, reprinted here only with your prior approval.

G-spot expert Deborah Sundahl, a.k.a. Fanny Fatale, answers your questions about female ejaculation and the g-spot. You may send your questions to askfanny@fatalemedia.com; please put FE Q&A in the subject line.

Dear Fanny,
I used to be able to female ejaculate, but lately it seems it’s not as easy as it used to be. Is there anything I can do to make it easier again?

Anonymous in New York

Dear Anonymous in New York,
The ability to female ejaculate is often characterized by sensitivity to one’s connection to your partner and also to yourself. If it is not as easy to ejaculate as it once was, this situation often reflects a change in your relationship from closeness to more difficulties or distance.

If you’re not in a relationship, this can reflect a change in how you relate or perceive yourself; perhaps you’re not feeling as attractive as you used to feel about yourself.

Sometimes for women who are very profuse when they ejaculate, they begin to have problems or doubts about ejaculating so much liquid. They then curtail their desire to ejaculate or don’t do it as frequently. If they are not conscious of these doubts, it can seem to them as if it is becoming more difficult to ejaculate, when in fact they are holding themselves back due to not wanting to create such a big pool of water every time they are sexual.

Lastly, if a woman has been performance-oriented and trying hard to ejaculate, she may find her ability waning somewhat, due to pushing too hard (both literally and figuratively). As I have said many times, the surest way to not ejaculate is to pressure yourself. Relax and enjoy the process! 

In the same vein, a change may be coming over your sexual desires. Perhaps you have been having lots of sport sex, and now you want to go more inward and explore what your sexuality would be like from the perspective of expressing love and intimacy with yourself or a partner. 

Bottom line: don’t worry about this change in your ability to ejaculate. Use it as the opportunity it is: to take a look at your erotic life for changes, or changes you are beginning to want to make.

Deborah

Want to find out more about female ejaculation?

Check out Deborah Sundahl’s popular sex-education DVD Female Ejaculation for Couples and her equally popular book, Female Ejaculation and the G-Spot.